MY VISION PART II

I had been battling with God for a long time now. He hadn’t helped me properly with any of my problems. I wasn’t thin enough. I certainly wasn’t rich enough. I didn’t have that husband I wanted. I had problems at work, problems at home, and problems in between. I had an overpowering drive toward addictive behavior. I struggled daily with an unidentified sleep disorder that God could have cured at anytime, but He’d rather leave me here to suffer. He really was a punishing God just like they taught me at school.

My next memory is in the Emergency Room with the family present. The Doctors were telling us that Mike had asphyxiated in his sleep. His brain was swollen, the prognosis not looking good. Seeing the sorrow on Mom and Dad’s faces was excruciating. Filling with complete terror, I blamed myself for this awful thing happening. The grief mixed with guilt made me feel totally separate and alone. I had become a stranger to the people I had known and loved all my life. Mike was going to die and it was going to be my fault. This was the final bitter blow; God had won the war.

As time moved on we were informed there was little improvement. I would hear family sharing encouraging words regarding what the Lord was telling them about Mike. NOT ME I wasn’t hearing anything. I was being consumed by grief; I only wanted Mike well. I wished I could will it to happen to force him out of the bed. I just wanted him back so very much. I had no clue as to what God wanted to do with Mike or, for that matter, with any of us.

Then one day in complete discouragement I fell before God on my knees. I told Him how sorry I was for hating him all of this time. I knew now that He was the ONLY answer to life, death, the universe and everything. I admitted how wrong I had been indulging in fleshly pleasures feeling like I’d never be hurt. I saw that absolutely everyone and everything would have to turn to HIM again one day, and I was turning to Him now. I knew I wouldn’t be perfect but I would try. I desperately needed the comfort that only He could give. In prayer I said “You know that I would give anything to have Mike back right now. You are fully aware of what I want. Now please show me what You want. I want to agree with You Lord. Help me see Your plan whatever that may be.

Soon a strange thing started to happen as I would sit with Mike I began to get the feeling that even though he was comatose he wanted to communicate something. I was getting the message that Mike was supposed to die at my house on Monday morning. Now I believe with all my heart that Mike asked for extra time to give a gift to his family. God had given him the ability to somehow touch each one of us in a unique and special way. I know this sounds crazy, but heaven paid a visit to Los Robles Hospital that week. I was experiencing feelings of intense love for Mike beyond anything I had ever known. I was aware that this was just a taste of the love that we will all feel towards one another in the Spirit when we die. I was learning of God’s caring and that there were no accidents. God would never allow a “supposed” accident to destroy a child of His. He had been with Mike every second, waiting anxiously to take him home. God was telling anyone who would listen that He can turn ANYTHING even death into a triumph. He had turned this outwardly horrible situation into a victory through His perfect will.